Yes, it's that time of year again when avenues of canes appear on plots across the nation. The runner bean plant requires a kind of support that has become an allotment icon, a plot signature if you like; those arrows of bamboo pointing skyward. But what kind of bean pole erector are you?
* 'The Professional' - has two or more permanent metal posts with a thick wire tautly attached between them at a height of exactly six foot. The canes, always pristine, are tied neatly together to the wire with a single round of green twine. The canes are exactly the same length and are placed equidistant in military fashion, often with the help of a plumb-line, spirit level and global positioning satellites.
* 'The Worrier' - practices sound crop rotation so no permanent metal posts. However, they worry that their neat rows of canes will blow over in the slightest breeze so anchor the ends with a series of guy ropes pegged into the ground. The structure is usually so firm you could hang anvils from it but, still they check and adjust the guy ropes at every visit. The Worrier has been known to dismantle and erect the row of canes multiple times until almost satisfied.
* 'The Traditionalist' - no bamboo canes for them only hazel poles cut freshly every season. 'If them poles were good enough for me Da and me Gran Da, they be good enough for me'. The Traditionalist collects their own seed every year and they have a variety originally planted by the gardener of William The Conqueror.
* 'The Fisherman' - creates a sturdy frame from which a wide mesh net is hung. The net can be replaced with plastic coated mesh or even chain-link fencing material. Often rather industrial looking but effective nonetheless. By August, cans and bells are attached to the structure; these sound noisily to alert the Fisherman when small animals and the odd human get trapped in the nets and need to be set free.
* 'The Penny Pincher' - creates adequate rows of canes, tied quickly and neatly so as not to waste time or twine. The canes are well used with the odd end snapped off, they won't be replaced until absolutely necessary. The Penny Pincher likes to use bamboo but doesn't like to pay for the canes; often recycling, begging and borrowing to create their avenues. After all, 'the allotment is meant to save money'. The rows are neither perfect nor haphazard, this is a functional frame of bamboo that will stand well into the autumn as the efforts have gone into raising the plants from seed (cheaper) and preparing the soil (free home-made compost). Canes are for beans and beans are for eating - 'in the supermarket they're 99p a bag you know'.
* 'The Newbie' - unsure of how to put up bean poles they peek at their allotment neighbours and spend hours unsuccessfully trying to replicate the neat rows. The cane tops are tied together with a mass of string, wire, nails and duct tape. Despite trying really hard, the spacing between poles is uneven and odd looking. The cross bars, if they exist, slope at unusual angles and the whole structure will begin to lean to one side by the time the Newbie has put their tools back in the site shed. The whole construction receives more string and tape as the summer months go by in an attempt to stave off complete collapse.
* 'The Free Spirit' - doesn't use canes or poles at all; not for them the rigid structures of wood. They create spider's webs of twine, rope and mesh for the beans to climb up. It's a chaotic thicket of anything they can get their hands on, mainly salvaged from skips and recycling points. When the beans are ready to harvest the Free Spirits pick in pairs just in case one of them gets stuck in their own chaotic creation - it's not funny being trapped in a Jackson Pollock like 'installation'.
* 'The Hippie' - always loves a wigwam, whether at a free festival or on the allotment. Rows of canes are not aesthetically pleasing, too autocratic and totalitarian; the wigwam is far more agreeable to the eye, natural and wholesome. Bamboo can be used but it's preferable to use 'green' hazel poles cut from the hedge surrounding the site. 'It's like a pyramid man, feel the energy channelling into my beans'. Not only do wigwams support runner beans but they are useful for shielding the Hippie's more unusual 'crops' from the gaze of plod.
* 'The Aristocrat' - doesn't actually put up the bean canes themselves. Usually a specialist team from the Royal Horticultural Society or, if one is slumming it, one's own estate staff, come in and erect an acre or two of bamboo. The Aristocrat oversees the process from their Range Rover, giving commands, er, advice, where necessary - and it's always necessary.
* 'The Architect' - loves to create a 'grand design' in bamboo. Often this starts with two perfect wigwams constructed at least ten foot apart. A perfectly horizontal cross cane then runs from the top of one wigwam to the other and an avenue of regular inverted 'Vs' established between them. Alternative frame designs include pavilions, lean-to's, strange 'obelisks' and a bamboo Saab.
* 'The One Season Wonder' - establishes their row of brand new canes as per 'The Newbie' but, by the height of summer, they have already lost interest in their plot. As a result, the whole construction leans drunkenly to one side with a single bean vine clinging to it for dear life. By the autumn the canes have separated from each other, with string and duct tape fluttering in the chilly winds. By winter only one or two canes are left stuck in the ground at odd angles, a sad reminder of what might have been. The One Season Wonder can often be seen passing on their wealth of knowledge to others at the bar or at the local garden centre cafe.
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